"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Does it teach us anything?
Whenever life starts to get me down and the future looks bleak, I've found going back to the beginning and reexamining my original goals and commitments helps reorganize my priorities, give me confidence and hope for the future. What is, is – there certainly is no going back. What we are is the sum total of what we were. And, I might add, that includes all of our ancestor's lives that went before us. We carry all that was good and all that was bad in our predecessor families. There is a price we all pay for that. For those of us of the Christian Faith, Jesus Christ showed us the Way to redeem that price. So, what does my life teach you? What did my father's life teach me?
For sure, when I was ten to twelve years old, I knew exactly what I wanted to be and what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a minister of God; not a member of the clergy, a priest or a preacher, but a minister. That's what I envisioned Jesus Christ and his faithful Apostles were, ministers and teachers. I was committed, and I organized my life around that pursuit. In the end I did attain that goal. That "life" was everything to me, however “Life” has its ways and I was forced to reevaluate my life and my commitment to that way.
I happened to watch an interesting movie about my same dilemma made in 2006 with Jacob Pitts, Amy Acker, Alan Arkin, and Frank Langella called Crossroads a.k.a. The Novice. In fact it very easily could have been a story about me for I, too, had determined to remain celibate. It is the story of a young Catholic seminary student whose goal is to become a Jesuit. He spends some time working in Brazil then later, while continuing his studies in Louisiana, encounters a beautiful young woman that embodies everything he envisions in the ideal woman. I spent time in Brazil as a missionary too. Learned to speak and write Portuguese fluently; could even pray in the language. I even learned to understand the local Rio slang, “Carioca.” The young people my age thought that was great, an American could actually understand and talk their lingo.
I, too, was confronted with a choice. While I was not a Catholic aspiring to become a Jesuit, for me the religion and the Jesuit goals were the same; required the same committment. Becoming a Jesuit requires four oaths or “solemn vows.” The first three are, the solemn vows of “perpetual chastity, poverty and obedience.” The Fourth vow, unique to Jesuits, was of special obedience to the pope in matters regarding mission, where they could be asked to journey to any place on earth to act as missionaries without money or transportation. Not all Jesuits took this “Fourth vow.” Those that did were considered “special,” a mark of approval by the Church and the Jesuit Society's hierarchy.
There is an interesting quote about a certain aspect of Jesuit's ministry that defines my oath, as well:
“The founder of the Society of Jesus, St. Ignatius of Loyola, opened its charter and rule with this famous line: 'Whoever desires to serve as a soldier of God beneath the banner of the cross in our Society, which we desire to be designated by the name of Jesus, and to serve the Lord alone and the Church, his spouse, under the Roman pontiff, the vicar of Christ on earth, should, after a solemn vow of perpetual chastity, poverty and obedience, keep what follows in mind. He is a member of a Society founded chiefly for this purpose: to strive especially for the defense and propagation of the faith and for the progress of souls in Christian life and doctrine.' Rule 13 of Ignatius's 'Rules for Thinking with the Church' said: 'I will believe that the white that I see is black if the hierarchical Church so defines it'.”It is the statement: “I will believe that the white that I see is black if the hierarchical Church so defines it” that caused the eventual dilemma that required a “savior.” At that time I had no problem with accepting this principle from the churches hierarchal equivalent to the “Pope” as these men considered themselves the “real successors of Peter.” However, my understanding of their documented teachings contravened many local church hierarchy's beliefs and teachings. They thought to impose themselves spokespersons for the Church's spiritual leaders. I learned later in life that it was because my vow or oath was made to Almighty God by the authority and through the auspices of Jesus Christ that allowed me to see the difference in teachings and understanding. In time I was able to see that the Church's “white” was neither “black” nor “white.” That His truth was most evident in what I always believed was his gift to me in my time of need, my perfect compliment, that beautiful person that became my friend and later my wife.
My walk with Almighty God became a shared walk. In that reality we were never impoverished. I thank God each day for showing me the Way, for the opportunity to maximize my life and the time allowed to share it with someone special.
The past, put together with the present is a good indicator of the future.
Gary.
